I Don’t Want To Leave Without Saying “Good Bye, I Love You”
The way my ADULT children feel about me and their lack of contact with me, I can’t do a DAMN thing about. I am trying with much difficulty to accept the things I cannot change (as the 12 steppers pray)… Not having them in my life really hurts, but then, as we have discussed in my previous posts, that pain has a way of morphing into anger. I find my thoughts golden and glowing brightly with love for all of my children, and then I get this urge to contact them… that urge to know them, talk to them, contact them, reminds me they will not answer, or worse, hang up and if I make that phone call I might as well go walking into a wall because I will end up hurt, (sigh) again. The thought of their rejection brings on my anger. As I start to get angry, I relive the things that I have done, and that have been done to me, and then that anger grows… I hate the anger that exists in my psyche now. I have never been an angry person. I have been told by people that the one thing they recall about me growing up, was a constant smile. That smile which is now so rare.
Today, I was thinking about my recent bout with cancer, (this is my third bout and victory over cancer), and I thought “WHAT IF I DIE WITHOUT SEEING THEM AGAIN?” I can’t bear this thought. My death, could be long and arduous, or it could be a short and swift. I don’t know how or when I will die, but I know FOR SURE that I don’t want to leave this world with my children full of animosity toward me. I don’t want to go without them knowing I love them and never meant for this to happen to our family. I don’t want to die without apologizing for any and all ways that I have wronged or hurt them. I want them to know that I LOVE, Love, LOVE them so much!
The opposing thought then invaded my busy, self defeating, thought racing, bi-polar brain. What if one or more, of my children were to die today!?! I would not have been allowed to say “Good bye, I love you” they would think the horrible things they have been brainwashed to believe about me for eternity… This thought hurt me more than words can sufficiently express.
My mind screeched, “THIS IS SO UNFAIR!” Yes, as adults, they have free will. They can’t be forced into any type of therapy, they can’t be made to listen to my side, or to understand a painful divorce and things that went very wrong in our marriage NEVER meant that I didn’t love them. I have no ability to get through to them, to apologize for leaving, to show them my love. I have lost them and with them I have lost a piece of my soul so large that I barely breathe anymore.
I take responsibility for leaving, I do! I still believe leaving was the only way I knew how to survive, how to deal with his post divorce treatment of me.
My Doctor thinks an anti-depressant will help me. I disagree. She says that people should “get up and LIVE their lives“, and I agree with her on that point. Except when I get out there, in every crowd, every visage, every moment, I see something that makes me think of my kids and that painful anger sears my soul a little more once again. Also, on those rare occaisions when I do “get out there“, if I find that bright childhood smile on my face I actually feel guilty. Ridiculous I know, but it is true, I feel guilt because there are actually moments I am not thinking of them. HOW DARE ME!
I once told a therapist that “When shitty things happen to a person it is completely normal for that person to feel shitty.” Well I feel beyond shitty much of the time, I feel helpless and emotionally eviscerated, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it; OR IS THERE?
I am open to suggestions if you, my dear readers, have any.
Would you like to know one of the things I have considered? Well I’ll tell you. I have considered having ECT (electro convulsive therapy) in order to obliterate these painful memories. Erase the memory of my children from my brain, like Carey’s character in “The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind”. It didn’t work for him though, and I don’t really believe it would work for me. Yet I have considered it many times.
So what other things? Pour myself into a project. That’s funny, I try that too, I say try because I am continuously trying to find something, anything, to keep my mind off this horrible pain. My house is filled with project after project, some partially started, some not even out of the bag, none of them complete, because it simply did not work.
So what else? My life has always revolved around music… that really is the one thing that even the painful intrusive thoughts can’t excise from my short repertoire of enjoyment. Alas, I fear that the enjoyment of music might be in peril of being lost at this point in my life. Deafness is encroaching upon my ability to understand lyrics, and I also feel it is effecting the way I sound both when I talk and sing. Boy, do I sing. “Loud and Proud” my voice coach used to say… now I am told too frequently I am talking too loud. I can’t imagine what people must think of my singing.
So again, I ask, how can I move past the pain? I have been divorced for 12 years, but my youngest son only rejected me this past year. He is 17, and the loss his love, of our talks, and texts may have been just enough to really damage me. FUBAR!
Can I reach out to them somehow, show them that what they have been lead to believe is false? HOW?
“Back off” my friends say, “they will eventually come around“.
What if they miraculously do come around and I am already dead?