My Side, my confession, my accusation, an open letter to my Children

An open letter to my Children,

I know that you have been taught to hate me.

I feel that your hate toward me is undeserved.

I know that your father told you I left you. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Your mommy didn’t leave you babies. Your mommy loves you so much. What happened was a planned methodical excisement of me from your lives, and your hearts. What happened was your father has told lies, committed many acts of emotional abuse toward me, and has literally brainwashed you children into thinking that I am despicable.. My children, please know that I try to live by this rule: “Love your God above all others and love your neighbor as you love yourself”. I have to confess that I have such anger toward your daddy for all the pain he has caused me, for leaving me to live in squallor while he lives the life of Riley, and MOST OF ALL I have anger for his poisioning you against me.

His was such a well thought out plan that your daddy tricked to me into signing a document called it quit claim deed about 6 months BEFORE the divorce he filed. He did trick me because he brought it to me when I was in the hospital and told me I had to sign it. I was so heavily medicated I didn’t even know my name. I was on high doses of Depakote and Seraquil and Lithium when I signed that document. The document removed my rights to the house on Manningham drive.

I know your daddy told you that I was unfaithful to him. I wonder if he ever told you how many women know him intimately? Did he ever tell you that he was on a first name basis with the *ladies* at the ______________ gentleman’s club? Or that he slept with the lady who had the pool, the one who lives close to our church? She’s the one who moved to Texas? Did he tell you that when he traveled he was in the company of other women, did he tell you about the hot tubs and the saunas on his too frequent business trips? Did he tell you about the cat houses in Juarez, Mexico? Did he tell you that we thought that he fathered a son born around the same time as your oldest sister?? As I understand it he even took a paternity test. Did he tell you that he slept with  Charlie’s wife? These are only the ones I know about; imagine what I don’t know.

I miss you guys so much! I have come to believe that I should have never allowed myself to be pushed out of our marriage, the pain of losing you is never ending and so, so damaging to my psyche.  Nothing is worth the loss of the love of your children. If I could do it over again I would’ve stayed with your father no matter how little he cared for me. No question about it.

My darling children I love you.

If I told you that every day my heart breaks a little bit more would you believe it?

If I told you that every day I wake up and think of you and want to just cry and cry because I miss you so much would you believe it?

If I told you that not a single moment passes in which I don’t feel love for you, would you believe it?

This divorce was not about you kids at all. However, I believe that since the divorce you children have become pawns in a game designed to hurt me as much as I must have hurt your father. I think because of anger your dad has done everything in his power to ruin my life. Of course the easiest way to hurt a mother is to remove her from her children.

This is my Truth, my life, my reality. I’m never going to recover from this pain, never! It  has been 17 long years since our family fell apart. In that time I have fallen into the darkest depths of depression.  I have felt anger, rage, all stemming from emotional pain of loss of you.  Somedays I don’t even want to get out of bed because I know something will remind me of you and how much of your lives I missed and that I can never go back and recover those lost years…

I have no confidence in what other’s offer offer as advice.. “Give them time they will figure it out”  because I know that there is a line somewhere in my mind and yours that has been crossed and damage assessment clearly indicates the love is gone out of you, the love you had once for me.

When you say you have no happy childhood memories you mean it; the memories have been eradicated, and only exaggerated painful moments remain in your minds.  Many lies you now believe are truisms, one can never prove a negative.



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